I do wholeheartedly apologize for my long absence. School, as well as the passing of my grandmother have kept me quite busy. I had all of these thoughts of what I wanted to write about, but now, they have all left. They blew away to the world of forgotten words and sentences. I am in shock. I really shouldn't be, but I am. My grandmother passed away last Tuesday, and I have just today returned from staying in her house with my family. It was heartbreaking to stay in the house she used to occupy. However, I do not grieve for the Doris (my grandma) who was in assisted living with headaches and tumors. I grieve for the woman she was before the Alzheimer's. Memories flooded into my mind bringing with them a pain so acute, it felt like a knife of ice had been plunged in my heart. She used to greet us at the door when we would go to visit her. But, she was not there this time. I'm sorry for the melancholy and grief, but this is what I want to share.
The funeral was beautiful, as funerals go. The flowers were in her favorite shades of pink and purple. Jonathan and I got to sing...that was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Jonathan started crying, which comforting, and singing with him actually gave me the strength to hold off crying until the end.
Dad and I had worked on putting music to her slide show, and it was great. Mom said that it was ironic how much my grandma would have enjoyed the funeral. All of her friends, and family were there. The food afterward was delicious, and the fellowship was fun. But, then we went back to my grandma's house, and I could just picture her sweeping the leaves off of her front porch, and waving at the neighbors as they go by. She loved to walk, and she walked every day of her life, until she couldn't anymore due to cancer in her pelvis.
I felt so secluded, which I shouldn't have. But, I felt the need to "escape" but there was no Internet, no TV, no phone. I only had my family, my journal, but most of all God to escape to.
I haven't really talked to God this past week. Not out of anger. I just couldn't find the strength to talk to Him after He walked my grandma home. Knowing that she was with Jesus, somehow made praying awkward where it wasn't before. But, as He has told me over and over again in His Word, "He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works" -Psalm 33: 15.
"You know my sitting down, and my rising up. You understand my thoughts from afar"-Psalm 139:2. God understands why I cannot seem to talk to Him yet, though I still enjoy spending time with Him. We sit together, and I read the book He wrote, as He teaches and changes.
I love this verse- "Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is".
We shall see Him as He is...I love that. Heaven sounds absolutely wonderful, you should read how it is described in Revelations!!! The chapter on heavenly worship makes my heart long for the day I can be there too. When I say that, I don't mean that I wish to die, or that I am planning on ending my life. What I mean, is that I have a longing for heaven. That I am not afraid to die, because, I know where I am going, and who I am going to. I can't wait to throw my arms around Jesus' neck, and walk with Him near the river of life. I can't wait to talk to John about what it was like to walk with Jesus on the earth. To ask Paul to give me a sermon, and tell me about the shipwrecks he was in, and what it was like to see Jesus for the first time. And then, I am going the kitchens in heaven where I know I will find my Aunt Doris, and we are going to bakesome oatmeal cookies that will make the angels sing. ha ha.
However, I am content to stay here for as long as God wills. There is much that I have to look forward to, and do. "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. But, if I live on in the flesh I know this will mean more fruit by my labor. Yet, what I shall choose I cannot tell. For I am hard pressed between the two. Having a desire to depart, and be with Christ. Nevertheless, to remain is more needful for you." Philippians 1. I still have to graduate with my Pastry degree, stay single or get married as the LORD wills, and follow where He leads. I am so glad that, "We do not grieve like those who have no hope".
With Hope in Christ
Kara
No comments:
Post a Comment